There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
