So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
