i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
