i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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