Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
