I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
