there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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