hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
