Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
