I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
