dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
