I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
