Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
