Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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