Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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