he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
