I think im going to throw up on grandma
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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