She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
