Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
