What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
