On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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