why didn't you poke me back
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
