Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
