my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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