Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
