My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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