why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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