Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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