there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
