I'm gonna have a badass scar
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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