true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
