I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
