Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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