My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
