dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
