so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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