Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
