when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
