Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
