Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
