After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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