Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
