I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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