The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
