I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
