Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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