The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
