if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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