Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
