My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Man, jail baloney is awful.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
